A Piece of my Mind

SEMI IMPORTANT NOTICE!!!

2005-04-27T18:10:00.000-07:00

hey everyone. just a semi important notice:

this blog is going to be deleted. i'm giving it a few days, but i'm changing it to:

http://spaces.msn.com/members/spaceoffreedom/

so if you're at all interested in reading my rambles, that's where they'll be from now on. they'll be pictures, a blog and just random other things. i can't use blogger and pictures... it just doesn't work for me.
anyway, so that's it! this one will be deleted sometime on the weekend.
love ya'll and thanks for reading.
ash xo

woohoo..

2005-04-26T13:15:00.000-07:00

how fun was nikki's party?? it was AWESOME!! i've hardly had any sleep and i've hardly been home all holidays, max 24 hours including the rest of today. yay, i'll be buggered for school!!

maddie is so sweet. she made me earrings for my birthday!! they're so nice, and she's only 6!! she makes them better than i can.

yay!! 16!! this gypsy prostitute is legal everyone!!

not that long

2005-04-21T10:00:00.000-07:00

wow, i come home this sunday. 2 weeks went by pretty quickly! although i can`t wait to see everyone again and share holiday stories, not to mention going to nikki`s party monday night. yes, the day after i get back!

it`s been a real experience. it`s such a different culture and although globalisation has hit it, it`s traditional heritage and culture and beliefs still remain and you really get a glimpse of it and can compare and contrast australia and japan. i love it.

well i better go now, we`re going out. by the way, we`re in kyoto at the moment.

love ash xo

woah...weird

2005-04-18T16:45:00.000-07:00

that that rather odd... i decided i'd blog here from japan, just to discover the beginning and signing in and all that were in japanese... freaky.

i had a great 16th birthday yesterday. i don't think many could say they were attacked by deer (don't worry, friendly deer. they wanted my bag) for their 16th and got stared at by some freaky old japanese man, as well as seeing the floating japanese temple.

well i better go, we're going to dinner now

mwah xo

oh gosh

2005-04-07T20:30:00.000-07:00

i leave so soon! in about a day and a half.. i can't wait though. i really do hate staying in the one place all the time. it's awesome that i'm so lucky to get holidays and do the thing i love so much - travelling. i would not like to be ANY ONE ELSE whatsoever at this stage (my age anyway) because i get all of these trips.
guess what?! we may even be going back over to Europe again for a couple of months at the end of next year when i finish my HSC. how awesome would that be?!

i still haven't packed. hehehe. i'm the worst in my family at packing. i always overpack. lol. last time we went to Europe for a month and a bit, but the end of the trip i had stuff in mums, nats and dads suitcases. one more full day...

i have work tomorrow night too. how buggered am i going to be, seeing as i'll be getting up at 2.30ish saturday morning. maybe i'll just do a movie marathon thing until then. how funny.

you know what annoys me a lot? people who think they're going through so much trouble and want everyone to know that they're mysteriously unhappy and for others to see that they're 'suffering' to get some attention. i mean, EVERYONE goes through stuff. EVERYONE. but some are separated from others. i know NOBODY at church would have had an abortion let alone lost their virginity before marriage, practiced other religions, gotten so drunk they've passed out, would have done drugs, or even tried suicide and the list can go on. now if they haven't been through all that, how can they seriously say that they've 'suffered' when they've just been living a normal life, with problems here and there which everyone gets. HEAR THAT PEOPLE - EVERYONE HAS PROBLEMS! OMG, NEWSFLASH.
that's what really annoys me about some religious people. they haven't seen the rest of the story, living in a cosy bubble where their God can fix everything life throws their way. you can still live through your God, but people! loosen up a little! it's life. it doesn't last that long. stop trying to be so fucking good all the time. it just drives other people up the wall.
well, there's my rave for awhile.

i won't talk to you all for awhile... 2 and a bit weeks. i get back the 24th. then i have a party the next night! exciting!

tata ya'll

2005-04-02T19:30:00.000-08:00

this time next week i will not even be in the country. how odd that feels.

at the moment with the rugby league on, our business studies class is doing footy tipping. i have NO idea and i hardly get any of the winners right, it is so amusing. my dad loves to watch it and tease me about how the teams i picked always seem to lose. how mean he is.

last night at work was so funny!
first of all, my dad called up to order and vanessa answered the phone. i was at the card machine and swiped this guys card when vanessa fully has this fit and yells "no!! no!!" because the card machine is linked to the phone that she was on. stupid idea if you ask me, but anyway, the guy was like..ok... so i explained that we had to wait. while i was waiting, i looked over vanessa's shoulder who had written on the top of the order 'david b' and she was finishing writing my phone number. i go "oh! hi dad!!" and vanessa is like...."omg! it's your dad! i thought he said david beckham and i'm like who the hell thinks he's david beckham?" so i'm laughing as she hands the phone over so i take it, and then the guy that was waiting for the card (still) was like, "this is getting weirder by the minute...". it was really crazy.
then a while after that happened, one of the phones rang and i answered it, and there were these guys on the other end who sounded my age, like, 15/16/17. so i started taking their order, but i write really quickly and abbrieviate it all, as you do, and i'm going 'yep, yep, yep' to everything they say, so they started laughing cuz they're saying their order quick as. then at the end, between laughter, they asked if i could tell them how much it is. i put down the phone, and start bitching to vanessa about them, saying things like "they're idiots. they're laughing at me, i should just hang up on them now" etc etc. then "vanessa, can you tell them how much it is, i don't want to talk to the fucking idiots"
then vanessa picks up the phone to tell them the price, she tells them, then they go "you know, you should hang up the phone before you starting bitching about us" and ness is like... "ok, yeah i know. bye!" and hangs up on them. meanwhile, customers are laughing at our display while waiting to be served.

2005-03-30T12:50:00.000-08:00

i have something that begins with a 'p' and ends with an 'osis' but i can't think of the inbetween letters of the virus..

last night i had parent/teacher interviews. that was boring as. i went to all my teachers who had a friendly discussion with my mum and i after they had said "she's doing excellently" in everything. i wonder what drugs they're on.. apparently i'm even top of my class in economics - ha! take that all the guys in my class! - touch wood, that is :P
after the interviews i went to the doctors, where i was diagnosed with the 'p.......osis' thing.

i also had an english assessment due today. i'm glad i got the speaking half of it done today. 15% speaking, 15% writing. 30% of english already done!! freaky...

update

2005-03-26T13:55:00.000-08:00

*sigh* i hate not being well.

i love long weekends though! especially when you've got assignments that you haven't done, let alone started the next week! :p oops!

should probably get started on those.

xo

procrastination

2005-03-19T14:50:00.000-08:00

i'm procrastinating. yet again.
i'm supposed to be studying for business studies. not that it isn't stuff i already know - we did most of it last year in commerce. but i feel obligated to study. i have no idea why.
i've already watched 'finding neverland' (JOHNNY DEPP!!!!!!!!) as mum brought it home on video, and done numerous loads of washing to occupy me. but there's also a series of unfortunate events, meet the fockers, national treasure and numerous other movies, including a french one, that are just sitting there, waiting for me to watch them, distracting me from my studies.
'finding neverland' is sad.. :( but i really liked it.

work was interesting last night.. very funny. mark is awesome, hey vanessa?? lol. the conspiracies within our work.. it's great. i love it.

well, i'm going to continue to procrastinate elsewhere.
xo tata

stupid 'hollywood'

2005-03-16T16:50:00.000-08:00

isn't hollywood stupid? they can take something really good, change its values for our modern society, and then completely ruin it!!
i am rather annoyed. wouldn't it be nicer to have the comparison and vision of previous eras in front of our eyes, rather than what it would be like if we lived in those times? not to that degree, but you get what i'm saying.

drivers ed. tomorrow. should be interesting..

at the moment liv is over. fun fun. and i'm not being sarcastic by the way.

um, i really don't have anything interesting to say. i just felt like bitching about 'hollywood', or the broader spectrum of film-making and appropriating.

xo

ps happy birthday to kelly for monday!!
and ness and kel's party was good too!

haunted

2005-03-13T09:50:00.000-08:00

omg, i can't believe what happened. mostly because i can't remember much of it. i keep getting glimses some of it, whenever i shut my eyes though. it's haunting.
people have told me what happened. i really can't believe it. it feels so strange, to have almost a whole night cut out of your memory.
school is going to be interesting... please let everyone have forgotten about it too... although i don't think that will happen.
why oh why did this have to happen?!!
i know everyone is just glad i'm ok. i've had tons of messages checking on me.. but still. i feel absolutely crap inside.
i haven't eaten since friday night, just before it all. i'm still not hungry. i've lost 3kg, just over a day... and i'm still not hungry. i don't think i'd feel like eating anyway, even if i was hungry.
i never want to relive this ever again. i feel like shutting myself in my room and never coming out. at the risk of sounding cliche "i want to curl up and die". my hands are shaking at the thought of it.
maybe i'll go and watch tv.. or do my homework. i still have my maths test tomorrow. i have to miss out on my french class because of it. i think it would have been better to not go to school tomorrow, and then not many people go tuesdays. that would have been better. but no, i have a maths test. damn it. xo

distracted.

2005-03-09T19:45:00.000-08:00

yes, i am. i was doing my society and culture assessment on indonesia. i researched it and came back with 10 pages, which i need to go through, but obviously i don't have the ability to concentrate so started reading other people's blogs, then decided to write my own, so here i am.

omg, guess what? this weekend i am going to be SCREWED!! as in tired.. lol. and those who know what else i'm on about SHH!!!
i have work until about 9ish friday night, i go home, get changed, go out to a party until midnightish. i come home. i hopefully sleep.
the next morning, i get up and our family goes to wagga. yes, wagga. for my cousins 21st party. i'm there the whole day.
next morning (sunday) is possibly the recovery party, then we drive back to sydney, where i get home, hopefully shower, then go out to a jopint bday party of 2 of my besties with my other friends at night at a restaurant.

woohoo!!! PARTIES ALL WEEKEND!!!

ah yeah.. what else? not much interesting really. i have a maths assessment test monday which is bad, as i have NO idea. oh well. i'm planning on dropping maths in year 12.

THIS TIME NEXT MONTH I'LL BE IN JAPAN!!! YAY!!!

the bad thing is, since i've been going to church, i have always been on holidays in april, and therefore miss soul survivor!! at least i'm away for my birthday though! celebrating my 16th birthday with a laptop and a trip to toyko disneyland.. :) it makes me feel really lucky. but now i feel stuck-up. anywho.

i'm going to go and do...stuff....

mwah* xo

drugs

2005-03-08T21:20:00.000-08:00

i'm on drugs...
no not really. i'm only on sleeping tablets (which really work! yay! i get sleep now!) and panadol/nurofen/herron whenever i need it.
just thought i'd get your attention.
as of tomorrow, we leave for japan in exactly a month!!! woohoo!!!

mentality.

2005-03-02T18:05:00.000-08:00

i think there is something wrong with me. emotion/hormone-wise. or maybe i'm just suffering from serious lack of sleep, which is really getting ridiculous. maybe it's both. all i know is that something is seriously wrong. on monday, i watched raise your voice, just for the sake of it, and i literally broke down and cried about 10 times, mostly for no apparent reason. just stupid things set me off in it. then tuesday, all i wanted to do was to curl up and die (sorry for the cliche - it couldn't be helped).
also, i'm not feeling at all well. my throat is sore, my head hurts and i'm just more 'out of it'.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY VANESSA by the way. and YUMMY CAKE STEPH!! you're such a good cook - so jealous!!

um.. what else? apart from being sick both emotionally, physically and mentally (it's amazing the stupid things that are currently going around in my head - most, not good), there's nothing much else going on.. this is just a blog to put my thoughts on... paper... and to get it all out, and not state my entire life story.

so, until later, tata xo

insomnia

2005-02-27T18:20:00.000-08:00

i have really bad insomnia. this last week, it's amazing how little sleep i have had. as in, probably less than double digits. i think it's almost chronic insomnia. apparently chronic insomnia is when you have insomnia 3 or more times a week or something. let me tell you, it's more than 3 times a week at the moment.
for example, last night i was up until past 12am (midnight) moving furniture, and going through videos and dvds. we must've thrown out hundreds... then tossed and turned for hours, eventually got up and did homework (yes, 3, 4ish in the morning) and started re-typing my economics essay (using my laptop so i didn't wake anyone up). i got about 2 hours sleep after that.

today my best friends were all over. we had a big lunch (bbq, salads, etc etc) and had a go of jeux de boules. i love that game. it rocks. i think i liked it as soon as i saw french people doing it in jardin du luxembourg in paris. that was awe-si-um.
we also started watching team america. my mum has alfie (still in cinemas, yes, i know), spongebob movie, team america... oh, and others to keep.we also gave heaps of stuff away to my friends. we literally throw out and give away movies... it's fun.

anyway, i'm not going to church tonight. i have heaps of stuff to catch up on. that's all good though. i don't really feel like going, for reasons i'm not just going to say on this blog, and only my best friends will know.

i'm in a shit mood too, so if any of you so thinks i'm bragging, or sounding braggy, fuck off, i am not. there are many of the people i know who's blogs tend to reflect how great their lives work out to be, even though it's going shit. not mentioning any names now though... NEWS FLASH people - life IS fucking shit.

xo

2005-02-25T17:20:00.000-08:00

i just re-read one of my old blogs. it was entitled "all i can do is try".
in reference to that, i believe things have changed a deal since that time.
for instance, i felt connected in some kind of way to the people at church. i don't feel that that much anymore and i've felt distanced from them. i was also going to small groups at that time! that was ages ago. that means i didn't have my job just yet back then. i haven't been to small groups for so long. lucky i'm starting again, in the wednesday group.
i feel closer than ever to my bestest best friends from school as well, and i love them all so much, they're like family to me.
i've also felt more together this year. my 'emotional state' is still all over the place at times and i tend to have smaller breakdowns, but not nearly as bad as it was last year.
thank goodness it's a new year, and to me, that's symbolic of a new beginning. not that my new year was a good start, turning up with a small hangover at work, but it's still symbolic!!
speaking of alcohol and being drunk etc, i couldn't go to the party tonight!!! (miles', for the people who know - ie my best friends). i'm so annoyed. so so SO annoyed. i have to work.

well, tig has just come into annoy me, and i may as well get my stuff ready for work.
toodle-oo, ash xo

countdown

2005-02-24T17:20:00.000-08:00

45 days!!! yes!! only 45 more days to go!!!

let down

2005-02-19T15:40:00.000-08:00

have you ever just felt really really let down with everything?
as in, stuff is going ok, then it just takes a turning.
like what the weather does sometimes - it's really nice and hot, then it becomes so overcast and rainy. not that i hate rainy weather but you get the idea.
or like when you're playing solitaire and you're going really well, but then one thing or one card screws you up and you lose.
that's how i feel at the moment. i was going fine, i didn't even mind about an economics test next thursday, or a 1200 word economics essay i just got, or even the essay due on tuesday i have to hand in. or maths which is really simple now. it's like advanced year 10. not even THOSE things bothered me. but it just takes one thing and things are screwed, and that one thing has hit me.

2005-02-19T10:45:00.000-08:00

my mum has gone to a cooking class for busy people today. she's learning how to cook 'quick, healthy meals', because our family is so on the go and we hardly ever have time to have something 'wholesome'.

anyway, i worked out how to burn stuff on my laptop, and also put photos from my digital onto it as well. i feel so clever.

well, guess what? i quit thursdays at the restaurant, and now i just work fridays. AND i'm going to golf this arvo cuz i'm not working or babysitting and it's not bad weather! FINALLY!! i love golf. i get very frustrated, yes, i admit, but still, cromer is such a nice course. they're making it harder as well, with course redevelopments, and you have to get out of metre-high bunkers and hit over water. everyone give me golf balls for my birthday, cuz i'm going to lose A LOT of balls! lol

ash xo

2005-02-13T15:50:00.000-08:00

http://chainreaction.cjb.net/
now go into that, then click on gallery. all of those are drawn by one of my best friends. ha. take that world.

now i was at out at dinner in manly with my family awhile ago and i mentioned the fact that i want to go on a round the world trip. dad said he spent thousands of thousands of dollars taking us places, only for us to spend thousands and thousands ourselves. i thought about that, and it makes sense in an odd way :P

in conclusion i'd rather spend all that money to go to italy and france again. just to see lake como at sunset again, and to see the eiffel tower sparkle all of it's lights late in the night...*sigh*

yucky

2005-02-12T00:00:00.000-08:00

valentine's day is yucky. it's just another stupid day where people can try and redeem themselves for not giving their partner any attention or any presents or anything else that "shows them they love them". i mean, presents don't have to show someone you love them. that's just stupid thinking. it's nice to get them once in awhile, but hello!! that doesn't measure the relationship. AND if you finally give each other and your relationship attention on one day of the year, then don't you find that a little contradictory to the value of a relationship? i find it utterly stupid and i could go on, but then again, maybe i won't - i'll spare you all.
and anyway, i DO NOT want to get up in front of the whole school and accept my rose/s thankyou very much!

just a few points of interest

2005-02-10T17:07:00.000-08:00

i really love green tea - just thought i'd start off by sharing that with you.

we had a study day today. that was a lot of fun. i got some good tips out of it, a lot of laughs and some much needed de-stress activities. too bad i have work tonight, so all that de-stressing is going to be needed again.
work is ok. but only ok. working in a mostly non-english speaking establishment is hard, and i know sheri can back me up on this one.

i can't wait until the weekend. i may be going to a party, and i may be getting back to golf. depends if it raining, and what time the party is. so yes, should be good.

i was walking home the other day, i think it was tuesday, and as i did, i got thinking: how lucky we are to be in these conditions, in such a good freedom-loving country, and be safe as well, and even the environment. it was a sunny day, it was nice and warm, we've got parks and trees and people walking freely down the street. even our economy is going well - the best it's been in actual fact. i just thought i'd throw that in, as i'm actually really really enjoying economics - touch wood.

well, i need to go finish printing something out, and get ready for work - groan. lol - no just kidding... slightly.

xo

2005-02-05T15:30:00.000-08:00

i've just realised i'm not that sure how to plug in my laptop to a power source. not that i've looked, but i can't be bothered and i probably won't be able to do it anyway. i've been using it on battery, but now that that's run out, well, i have to charge it don't i?

wednesday was fun. i got totally drenched when i ran out and stayed in the rain for awhile.i love rain. in the holidays nat and i found some really really old home videos when i was like, 2 and 3 and stuff, and some of the footage was me running around in the rain and jumping in puddles.

first week of school was pretty good. our legal studies class has 7 people!!
nat, louise, james, me, 2 icet students and bec. go us!
mock trial should be interesting too.

i have babysitting tonight as well which should be cool. the kids are awesome.

i'm going to have a cup of tea now. tata xo

2005-02-01T14:24:00.000-08:00

i just decided to write a bit of an update on moi...

i know it's just the first couple of days back, but i'm liking school at the moment. i like my subjects, i like the fact i'm walking home, i like extension english and i really like all my teachers.

in ext. english today we got our book that we're reading. "the modern prometheus", or for those who are uneducated, frankenstein by mary shelley. ext english today was very intriguing and i got lots of new ideas out of it.

lol, i went back to fencing yesterday and i figured out i'm rather rusty. i wasn't allowed to do it for ages when i split my ear open, went once and then it was holidays.. i was VERY rusty. lol.
BUT i did learn that drinking water to sports drinks has a ratio of 3:1. as in 3 bottles of water to every 1 bottle of sports drink, as sports drinks have lots of added stuff and isn't as beneficial as water.

i'm going to go and start reading my book. tata xo

2005-01-24T21:50:00.000-08:00

i have a really big problem with people at the moment. i don't like being near them or talking to them lately. people can let you down.

another thing is, i was followed the other day. literally followed when i was walking to babysitting. i guy drove past me, beeped, turned around, called out from me across the other side of the road, and turned around again, followed me, then caught up with me and asked me if i wanted a lift.
it really is completely shattering.

i'm in the middle of a big fight with mum (we had a fight last night, she ignored me for a bit over 24hrs then yelled at me, now she's ignoring me again), my sister's annoyed at me, my dad isn't even home yet and it's nearly 10pm, and my grandma is really really sick in hospital. i don't want to be near anyone, but i really want someone to talk to, to cry on and i don't know who i want. i want someone new.

i don't feel like i've got a future either. i really don't know what i want to do in life. i don't think there really is a lot i want to do. i can't see what i should be working for, or looking forward to.

anyway, i'm going to go now. hopefully dad will be home soon too.
xo